I‘ve been questioning myself for over a year. Ive been going through the motions of life with no direction, no purpose, no motivation. I’ve written and published a book. I record a bi-weekly podcast and I write a weekly blog. Ive gone to a full-time day job and worked on my own entrepreneurial dreams but I still feel empty, purposeless. Why?
I live a very lonely life however I desire companionship with friends and family, which I have little of. Three years ago my momma passed away. A year ago a family friend disrespected me by bashing my character then my best friend walked away from me with her. It was a very hard time for me but it only got worse. My niece got my daddy so upset at me that during what should have been a seamless transition, my daddy disowned me. I've reflected. I'm the common dednominator. Am I really a bad person and I don't know it. Do I believe I'm a good hearted person but the truth of the matter is I'm a monster.
I've reflected and contemplated this many times over the past year. No, I'm not prefect but also No, I'm not a bad person. Just the opposite, I have a huge heart that loves deeply. I'm loyal to a fault. I will do for others at my own expense until I can't anymore. That is exactly what I did a year prior. I had given of myself, my money and my time. I needed love and understanding instead I was judged, spoken down to and called names. Many people I love walked away from me and never looked back. I've tried to make a mends to no avail. I do miss the good times we've had and some days have been very dark but it's helped me to learn and grow.
During a recent melt down and there have been many. As I cried and talked to my husband, the truth came out. I need more. I "Need" to help others.
I became a Personal Trainer.
I became a Life Coach.
I've pursued these careers which have a common theme . . . people. They allow me to be a part of a personal journey. My passion is to impact lives in a way to make them believe they are Amazing. I even wrote a book, sharing my personal struggles, not to boost about me. I wrote to focus on others who may be struggling so they will know they are not alone. I've found it helps when you know you are not alone, that there are others who face life when it's messy.
I'm not going to lie. There are days, that I also need encouragement. There are days, That I have to remind myself, I'm not alone. Life Happens but I will not give up. I may have to cry and reset, but I won't stop letting others know they are important. Just today, I was given the advice to, Hang in There. That is exactly what I will do.
It's ok to feel, however you feel. Good. Bad. Happy. Sad. Angry. Fantastic. I got down because I'm working so hard to reach as many people as possible, but it's not happening as fast as I would like. It's not happening the way I thought, but it's still driving me. I will continue to encourage, inspire and even have a bad day from time to time. But I will NOT stop and give up. I will meet as many people as God will allow. I will inspire and encourage and continue reminding you, You are Enough!!