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So . . . .

I fell off the wagon! The wagon ran over me and dragged me a few miles. No!! I don’t mean the alcohol wagon, I’m not a drinker. I mean life. It has really tried and tested me.  Since September, I’ve sank into a deep dark hole. I haven’t eaten right or really exercised to speak of. Depression took hold of me, honestly it was winning, with help from “family” and “friends”. During this time, I lost a few family members and a best friend. But I grew! I grew strong!

Life Happens and it can be messy, it’ll kick you when you’re down. Big,  hard, swift kicks over and over again. There were days those kicks came so hard and fast that I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. I couldn’t caught my breathe. I couldn’t see past the pain and tears. I felt so alone and questioned God, Why? Why is this happening? Why? Many many why’s. He never gave me the answer but he sent me, my sister. My sister, whom I hadn’t spoke to in a very long time. My sister, whom I’m not close to because our lives took us in very different directions.

On one of my darkest days, I reached out to her. I didn’t know what to expect really, but I missed momma so much and I felt so alone and depressed. My niece was completely against me and had turned my daddy against me. My “best friend” hadn’t spoke to me in months. I really needed a friend. I needed someone to just give me a few encouraging words. She answered the phone. When I told her it was me, I could hear the joy in her voice. As we talked, her words started bringing life back to me. For the first time in months, I felt like I was going to be ok. Through this darkness, my sister helped me to see the light again. Over the next few weeks and still to this day, we talk at least once a week, just to say hi.

Someone who I thought didn’t understand me, really does. Someone I had discredited over the years because of her choices, God brought back to me. God humbled me with her kindness and encouragement. Today, I’m so grateful for my sister with all of her life experiences, good and bad. I love the song from “The Greatest Showman”, “This is Me”. The words of this song, I completely relate to and today I make no apologies, this is ME!

Reflection: Depression hurts, it’s real and it sucks but there is life after depression. You can make, and you will. There will still be hard days but never give up. When life kicks you, pick yourself up and do the best you can. When it kicks again and you fall, take some time to rest but get back up. This may become a vicious cycle but you never know the one time you get up and are able to stand tall. There will be a day when you can stand tall and shine brighter than you ever did.

Here are some of the powerful lyrics from This is Me – Songwriters: Justin Paul / Benj Pasek

I am not a stranger to the dark Hide away, they say ‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars Run away, they say No one’ll love you as you are

But I won’t let them break me down to dust I know that there’s a place for us For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out I am brave, I am bruised I am who I’m meant to be, this is me Look out ’cause here I come And I’m marching on to the beat I drum I’m not scared to be seen I make no apologies, this is me

Another round of bullets hits my skin Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in We are bursting through the barricades and Reaching for the sun (we are warriors) Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)

This Is Me lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

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